Skeletons in the Dungeon
by Queen ov Spades
Summary: Sequel to "How to Get Rid of a Mudblood" but you don't have to read that one first. About stuff the Death Eaters do when they're not Death Eating. Idk where it's going, and it kinda reads like a Death Eater sitcom would watch, if that makes sense.
1. Kisses and Cousins

**Chapter 1: Kisses and Cousins **

**Warnings: Drinking, drug use, non-graphic mentions of incest (but not involving kissing cousins), mild language, and criminal mischief.**

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><p>Draco had stayed with his grandparents to spend the night and all of the young adults were hanging out at Malfoy Manor. Regulus and Rodolphus were smoking gillyweed and everyone had had some wine, except for Bellatrix, who was downing one bottle of firewhisky after another. Still thinking about the mudblood showing up for dinner, she paced the floor, like a mean drunk full of adrenaline (which she was), or like an agitated pit bull (which was her Patronus, although everyone said it was a hell-hound).<p>

A postal owl scratched on the window, and Bellatrix turned, pointed her wand at it and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"

The window shattered and the small tawny owl dropped to the ground far below.

"Must you always destroy property? Reparo." Lucius said, with a lazy drunken wave of his wand, and the shards of glass flew back in place. He ignored the rude gesture Bellatrix made at him.

"Let's hope that owl wasn't about anything important." Narcissa, who was the most sober of the group, said.

"Dude, who _cares_?" said Rodolphus.

Narcissa scowled. Mostly because he called her a dude_._ Rodolphus called everyone a dude, but Narcissa found it hard to get used to. She liked to be called "ma'am".

"Hey, why didn't Rab come?" Regulus asked Rodolphus, oblivious to the owl incident.

"He and Carrow are out stealing muggle money from those bell-ringing muggle charity dudes and taking it to Gringotts to exchange for real money."

Narcissa snorted. "Carrow, the petty thief."

"You don't know that Carrow stole that necklace, Cissy. That damn Dobby probably did something with it," said Lucius.

"I do know he stole it. It's been missing that time _you_ invited him over, and I saw Alecto wearing it later."

"Why didn't we invite Carrow?" Regulus asked.

"Because things disappear when Carrow is around!"

"Because his parents are cousins," Lucius said.

"No, dude. They're _first_ cousins. Like, you have your _cousins_ and then you have your _first_ cousins," Rodolphus explained.

"My parents are cousins." Regulus said.

Bellatrix slapped him. "They are not."

"But Carrow's parents are cousins and he and his sister are lovers and they're my cousins – distant cousins – what does that make me?"

"A pureblood!" Bellatrix said and slapped him, back and forth, repeatedly.

Rodolphus, in an attempt to save him, demanded, "Cissy, give me a kiss."

Narcissa got up, went over and kissed him – just a quick peck on the cheek.

Bellatrix stopped slapping Regulus and screamed with rage. "That's it! Blondie, kiss me!"

"I don't want to."

"You've already smeared your lipstick all over your goblet, if that's what you're afraid of."

Lucius ignored her, picking up the latest issue of the _Gringotts Journal _from the coffee table – upside down – and pretending to read.

"KISS ME!"

"No. The Dark Lord said you have more crabs than Red Lobster. Crusty crabs."

Everyone laughed. Regulus called, "Ooh, he just deep fried your tuna salad!"

"How does the Dark Lord even know about that filthy muggle restaurant? Crucio!" she shouted, her wand aimed at Lucius, just as Severus Snape stepped through the fireplace. He deflected it.

"Sev, buddy, give me a kiss!" Rodolphus demanded, and before Severus could protest, Rodolphus grabbed him and planted one on him, right in the mouth. When Rodolphus finally let him go, Severus was red-faced and looking stunned, like a deer in headlights.

"What's he taste like?" asked Regulus.

"Greasy," said Rodolphus, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and grinning.

Severus struggled to regain his composure. "I came to tell you that your brother is in Azkaban and wanted me to tell you to bail him out because you didn't reply to his collect calling owl."

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><p>AN: Just to give credit where credit is due, I got this part: "Like, you have your <em>cousins<em> and then you have your _first_ cousins" from the movie **Mean Girls** and this part: "What's he taste like?" "Greasy" from the movie **Norbit** if you haven't seen them.

R&R :)


	2. Jailbreak

**Chapter 2: Jailbreak**

**Warning: More drug use, language, and criminal mischief.**

**I haven't really constructed a plot yet. Right now, I just hope it's entertaining. ;)**

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><p>Rodolphus and Severus Apparated into the lobby of Azkaban.<p>

"Like, I'm here to bail out my brother," Rodolphus said to the man behind the desk. _Bartemius Crouch, Sr. _read the brass nameplate. So, he was that asshole father Barty talked about all the time.

"Name?"

"What?"

"Your brother's name."

"Oh. Um, what did he say his name was?" asked Rodolphus, in case Rabastan had given them an alias.

"We're not playing games, boy! I ask you a question, you give me a straight answer!"

Rodolphus could see why Barty hated the old cod."But duude-" he began.

"We're here to bail out Rabastan Lestrange." Severus cut in.

"That'll be five thousand Galleons."

"Haven't got it on me. Get the goblins to get it out of my account at Gringotts," said Rodolphus.

"Right. Sign here. And you're to see that he shows up for his hearing; if not, you're respons-"

"Yeah, dude. Whatever." Rodolphus signed the parchment without reading it.

Crouch scowled and went through the only door in the room.

. . .

Minutes later, he came back, followed by Rabastan.

"Dude!"

"Dude!" Rodolphus ran up to him and hugged him as if he hadn't seen him in years (when he had actually seen him just that morning). "What did they get you for?"

"Not much. Bunch of crap."

"Performing magic in the presence of muggles, theft of muggle property, and possession of prohibited muggle medications," said Crouch.

Rabastan smirked.

"So where's Carrow?" Rodolphus asked.

"They took him to St. Mungo's to have those muggle pills removed."

"What, did he swallow them?"

"No, the fool shoved them up his-" began Crouch.

"You don't wanna know," said Rabastan.

Rodolphus turned to Crouch. "Dude, butt out. Were you raised by muggles?"

Crouch stared at him for a moment, then demanded: "What's that I smell on your breath, boy?"

"_Duude._ It's nothing."

"Don't think I don't recognize gillyweed when I smell it!" Crouch snapped. "Guards! Seize him!"

Three dementors came through the door.

"Oh Merlin, not again! Get your damn germy hands away from me!" Rabastan shouted, running in circles and throwing curses in all directions. One of them hit Crouch in the face and he fell unconscious.

_Now your crazy ass is in for it_, thought Severus as he cast a Patronus. Rodolphus stood watching, looking amused as Severus's Patronus – a huge snake, rather like Nagini – herded the dementors back through the door leading to the cells.

As Rabastan was beginning to calm down and come to his senses, two more dementors Apparated into the lobby with Carrow between them. The Patronus chased them away as well.

"Dude!" exclaimed Rodolphus.

"Dude!" answered Carrow.

"Dude!" said Rabastan, not to be left out.

_Oh god, here we go again,_ thought Severus, looking up at the drab ceiling. Aloud, he said, "I suggest we get out of here. The greetings can wait for later." Then he Disapparated.

Carrow walked over to Crouch and picked his pockets. "Well, I'm outta here," he said, pocketing Crouch's money and Disapparating. Crouch mumbled something about "damn hooligans".

"We'd better leave," Rabastan said, looking around nervously.

"Yeah, dude. I've got the munchies." Rodolphus said, grabbing the parchment he had signed off of Crouch's desk. "So, where you going? Home?"

"Yeah. I need a shower."

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><p>AN: I don't think Snape's Patronus became a doe until after Lily died. So I thought it would be cool to make it a snake.<p> 


	3. The Royce

**Chapter 3: The Royce**

**Warning: I'm not going to warn you anymore. If you haven't had a problem with anything so far, you probably won't. :) **

**I still don't know where I'm going with this, if anywhere. It's sort of becoming a sort of Death Eater sitcom. **

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><p><em>Later, on New Year's Eve:<em>

Rabastan and Amycus were continuing their enterprise of ripping off muggles. They walked along the well-lit streets of a wealthy muggle neighborhood, putting out streetlights with a de-illuminator until it was pitch.

In one particular parkway, there sat a shiny white convertible Rolls Royce. "This is what we want. It'll get us a lot of money," said Amycus.

"How do you know so damn much about muggle junk?" asked Rabastan. Amycus was usually a dumbass.

Amycus shrugged. "Gotta know the enemy. _Accio keys!_" The keys flew out from the inside of the car. "Hurry! They'll be comin' back soon, leavin' the keys in with the top down like that."

Rabastan got into the driver's seat. "Dude, let me drive. You've done it before," he said.

Amycus shrugged again and got in the passenger's seat. "D' you know what you're doing?"

"What's there to know?" Rabastan asked as he put the keys in the ignition, cranked it, tapped the gears with his wand, and backed into the street, squealing tires.

"_Silencio!_" Amycus said, tapping the gears a few times with his wand. "Now floor it."

"What?"

"Step on that thing in the floor there."

Rabastan floored it, weaving up and down the streets, hitting a few cars, and mailboxes, and . . .

"_Protego!_" Amycus cast a charm to shield the car. "They won't buy it if you dent it up."

They plowed through a picket fence unscathed, and drove through the yard, scraping the side of a red Mercedes, laughing all the while. "Take that, mother fucker!" yelled Rabastan as he plowed through the other side of the picket fence and back into the street. They went on for some time, laughing and destroying muggles' property.

Amycus began poking the radio with his wand and tuned it to a country station, which seemed to cause Rabastan great agony. "Make it stop!" he wailed. Amycus smirked and gave it another poke, turning up the volume full blast. Rabastan screamed louder; his voice rose over the depressing country ballad. Amycus gave it another poke, turning it off.

He scowled. "Happy now?"

"So-so." Rabastan said. He turned off onto a busy highway, weaving through the traffic. Amycus opened the dash and rummaged through it, throwing anything that didn't interest him out onto the street.

"Hey, Rab. I found some muggle tea."

Rabastan looked around at him. "That's not tea."

"Yeah it is. Muggles pour it in their muggle water and stir it up, and it makes muggle tea. It's pretty good."

"You mean you've actually drank the shit?"

"Well, it's free. For me, anyway," he said with a grin. "You should try it sometime."

Rabastan snorted. "'Tis better to eat from a wizard's trash can than a muggle's kitchen."

"Try it." Amycus poked Rabastan with the plastic packet repeatedly, until he snatched it out of his hand.

"Alright, alright. I'll try it when I get home." He stuck it behind his ear for safe keeping, fully intending to throw it away later. Then, he noticed the flashing lights in the mirror. And a siren rang out.

"Goddamn it! You're drivin' on the wrong side!" Amycus shouted. He grabbed the wheel and, dodging traffic, steered them back to the right side of the street.

The cars with the lights and sirens still pursued them. "What the hell are those?" Rabastan asked, starting to feel nervous.

"Dunno. Muggle Aurors, I think. We can lose 'em," Amycus said and tapped dashboard a few times with his wand. The car sped up. Rabastan weaved the car through traffic, passing cars on either side and bumping into them more often than not. The Royce was undamaged, thanks to Amycus's shield charm from earlier, but the other cars were much less fortunate.

The "muggle Aurors" were still behind them, but their lights and siren were fading into the distance. Then, they came from the air – flying car things unknown to wizard-kind. One landed in front of the car; Rabastan turned the wheel to avoid it, and steered the car over the sidewalk and into a building. The airbag puffed out in his face. "Merlin, they've got me! What're they doing to me?" he screamed.

Amycus slashed the airbag with a flick of his wand; it deflated. "Nothin'! Help me Disapparate it!"

. . .

Amycus landed in the car on the tin roof of his parents' hovel (not really a hovel, but compared to most pureblood houses . . .) with a _bang!_ just as the clock struck midnight. Rabastan wasn't in the car.

Amycus's mother came out the front door, looked up at the car, smiled and said, "So, what have you been up to?" She was cool about stuff like that. His step-dad was a crotchety old half-blood bastard, though. But he was probably lying drunk outside a bar somewhere. It _was _New Year's, after all.

"Me and Rab stole this car from muggles and we've been ridin' around in it. Where's Ally?"

"She's at a party. But tell me about stealing that car."

"We just stole it and drove it around. It's that easy, stealing from muggles," Amycus said.

He waved his wand, floated down from the roof; then he floated the car down and proceeded to tell his mother about it, slightly annoyed that Rabastan had bailed out on him and gone elsewhere.

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><p>Reviews are appreciated. :)<p> 


	4. Inside Muggle Jail

**Chapter 4: Inside Muggle Jail**

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><p>Rabastan landed on the ground when Amycus Disapparated with the car. The muggle Aurors surrounded him.<p>

"Where did that car go?" one of them asked the others. They were all standing around, scratching their heads and asses, and looking stupid.

"Did you see it?" the muggle Auror asked Rabastan.

"No. You were suffering hallucinations from all that muggle trash you confiscate for your own use," Rabastan said. (They thought he said "smuggled hash", which was true: they did smoke most of what they confiscated. And that was pretty much what Rabastan meant by it anyway.)

"Well, right now, you're our prime suspect," the muggle retorted, not liking Rabastan's reply.

"What am I suspected of?" Rabastan asked.

The muggle didn't answer; instead, he asked: "Do you have any weapons on you?"

"If I did, I wouldn't tell you."

The muggles searched him, and took the wand out of his pocket. "What is this?" the one who seemed to be doing the talking asked.

"That's my wand. Duh."

"Look, buddy. I don't know if you're being a smartass or – "

Rabastan snatched the wand out of his hand and tried to make a run for it. One of the them hit him with a baton, and another handcuffed him, taking the wand back. Then they dragged him to one of their cars and shoved him into the backseat. He tried in vain to kick the windows out.

"We've got to stick to the same story when the chief asks us: we chased the car, this one jumped out and we caught him. The other one got away," said the talking muggle. The others nodded in agreement.

. . .

They drove him to the jail and the talking muggle told the chief their story and said something about Rabastan being insane. The others stood around scratching and nodding in agreement.

The chief said, "Put him in solitary confinement. We'll have them psychoanalyze him in the morning."

. . .

They asked him his name. Of course he wasn't about to tell them his real name. "Xenophilius Lovegood," he said.

The muggles scowled at him. "Is that your real name?" the talking one asked.

"Yes," he said. He remembered that muggles usually had very plain and boring names, but he didn't really care.

"Crazy talk," mumbled one of the muggles who had previously been silent.

"We'll find out," the other one said.

They made him change out of his robes and into an ugly orange jumpsuit. (_Ugh. Filthy muggle germs, _he thought.) Then one of them told him they were going to test him for drugs, and handed him a cup.

"I can see there's nothing in it," Rabsatan said, holding it up and looking in it. "So I guess I'm not on drugs."

The muggle rolled his eyes. "Just go in there and urinate in it." He pointed to a restroom.

Rabastan went in there, wondering what the hell they wanted with urine. _Muggles are so gross_,he thought. _But why did they want it? _It was just too weird. He wasn't going to do it. He stood in front of the sink wondering how he could get out of it. Then he remembered the packet of muggle tea behind his ear. They hadn't found that when they searched him; it was hidden behind his shoulder-length hair. Smirking, he poured it into a cup and poured sink water in with it, stirring it with his fingers.

He handed the cup back to the muggles and they led him to his cell. He waited a few minutes to see if they were coming back. When they didn't, he stripped off the ugly orange clothes and threw them on the floor. He sat on the bed, contemplating his escape.

. . . .

Amycus was bored. His mother had already gone to bed. She told him to hide the car before his step dad got home. Amycus put a shrinking charm on it and hid it in his room. But the old half-blood bastard hadn't come home yet – hopefully he had died of alcohol poisoning somewhere – and neither had Alecto. And he still hadn't heard from Rabastan. He had expected Rab to appear by now, laughing about the car they stole and the muggles they had escaped. Amycus was starting to think that the muggles might have caught Rab. Then the Dark Lord would have their asses . . .

. . . .

Rabastan had dozed off and was jolted awake by a noise. Amycus was standing in front of him.

"Dude! Where are we? Why are you naked?"

"We're in muggle jail, and the muggle bastards took my robes."

"Muggles don't let you wear clothes in their jail? That sounds kinky."

"Oh, they _make_ you wear clothes, but they can't make me keep them on." Rabastan nodded towards the ugly orange jumpsuit on the floor. "That's what they made me wear."

"Well, get it back on. I came to get you out of here."

"I'm not putting it back on. Just get me out."

Amycus picked up the jail suit and looked it over. "If you're not wearing it, I'm going to." He threw off his robes and put it on. "Sure is ugly," he commented, sounding pleased. "Hey, put my robes on and we'll go back to my house and ride around in the car some more."

Rabastan grimaced. He hated wearing other people's clothes, but it was probably better than showing up at the Carrow hovel naked. Especially if Amycus's pervy step-dad was there, not to mention Alecto. He put on Amycus's robes. "Ugh. They're sweaty," he said. "Just how long have you been wearing these robes?" Amycus didn't answer; he already had his hand on Rabastan's shoulder and they were Disapparating . . .


End file.
